I've found myself in a depressive cycle recently. Something catches my eye that reminds me of something, which drags up memories, which sends me into a spiral, and when I try to claw my way back up, I just find that I get dragged further into it. Generally I end up hiding in my corner, wishing for a new day, wishing I could wake up just once and find that I feel excited to be awake instead of wishing I was holding my son, or even able to know I can have more. So, while I still don't know how to get out of this cycle, or how to fix it, I have a couple of ideas. Tonight, my idea is to try to write about my most cherished memories. Who knows, it may help, right?
So...just a few of my favourite memories of all time. My Dad, throwing me up in the air when I was three. Making gingerbread men with Mum when I was 5; we got icing everywhere, and I even got it all through my hair, but I was giggling like a loon the whole time. Best part was eating them afterward, obviously :P
Becoming a big sister; no longer was I the youngest, no longer was I the only kid at home, I now had a friend, a play mate, someone to look after, cherish and love. My little siblings are both amazing and wonderful people, and I love them very, very much. ^^
My first sleep over. Granted, it was at my cousins house, so doesnt even really count, but I was so excited about it. I remember Mum said I couldnt go if I still had my cold by the end of the week, and I was so worried she wouldnt let me go that every time I needed to cough I would run to my room and cough into my pillow so she wouldnt hear me :)
So...recent years? Well...Dancing round my best friend's bedroom to Shania Twain and laughing hysterically as we recovered from a tickle fight at 1am on the morning of my 16th birthday.
Meeting my wonderful husband. I was at a friend's birthday party, and she took me outside and sat me down in a group of people, some of whom I vaguely knew, others I knew nothing of, and there he was, discissing the benefits of having fridges in bedrooms with the girlfriend of one of my school mates. By the way dearling, I still believe you were terrible to allow me to get drunk that night; I still have no idea at all how I managed to hide that fact from mum! :D
Obtaining an awesome, amazing new family. I never believed that having in-laws would be a wonderful experience, but I could never have been more wrong. My mother in law is the most amazing mother in the world, and my sister in law is amazing.
Becoming a mother. James...you were a beautiful baby. You were perfect, and gorgeous, and adorable.
Getting married. Three years in this year and still going strong despite our hurdles :)
Watching the massive storm that hit my city two years ago from the kitchen at my mother in laws house. She has these amazing floor to ceiling windows throughout the kitchen, and we sat there, looking out via candle light at the amazing storm raging around us...just beautiful.
Traveling to Malaysia and Singapore early this year. I met some amazing people and had some amazing experiences. It was a beautiful trip, and my first out of the country; I loved it :)
Destroying my toe on a wine rack. Admittedly, the experience itself was not at all funny or wonderful, and is still making my life pretty hard, however the experience of laughing so hard I could barely breathe in an emergency room for three hours was golden. I loved it, and do not regret the destruction of my toe; after all, I came out with an awesome story to tell ;)
So...Admittedly, this hasn't made me feel 100% better. But it has improved my night. And it has allowed me to relook through my life, and remember some of the awesome moments. Especially those of the last few years. And it has made me realise that while I do have a hard time getting out of this depressive cycle, I have a wonderful family and some absolutely amazing friends right here with me to help.
Because I Can