Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Needing help.

What do you do when you realise that all you seem to do to people is fuck them up?
What do you do when you realise that you need so much help its not funny?
What do you do when you realise you have made so, so many gigantic mistakes and hurt so many wonderful people?
What do you do when you realise that you can't turn to anyone for help? When the people you do turn to turn you down?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Patterns of Weirdness

Have you ever noticed how sometimes in life, little weird things keep repeating? How no matter what, you find you get caught in an absurd cycle? Recently, I have found this to be the story of my life.

It started about three weeks ago, when I got chicken take out. I LOVE the stuffing they make for those things, and always look foward ot it, but this time...there was no stuffing. I was devistated. My night took a turn for the worse...and then I realised my boyfriend had DOUBLE the normal amount of stuffing in his chicken meal! He kindly gave me some of his (I SWEAR I didnt tantrum until he shared!) and I thought nothing more of the event. Until the next time...and the next! I have had this exact event of lack of stuffing and boyfriend overloaded with it happen four times! It does not help changing venues either; it happens no matter which chicken place we visit. ><

And oh how often recently have I been the proud owner of the 'last item of that type in stock'! This one, I am loving. Today for instance, I managed ot get my hands on an adorable white Teddybear candle with roses carved all over him; last one in the entire shop! ^^ I also managed to get my grubby little paws on the very last wolf print shirt for a friend, and the last handbag of a certain type when I was looking for a new one of specific requirements. So I guess sometimes these cycles aren't that bad after all ^^

Sadly I am also still stuck in the pattern that is being unwanted in the work place. I have thrown my resume with cover note that shouts loudly 'PLEASE employ me, I will love you and stay with you forever!!' to the four winds (also thrown it without the cover note) and, as yet, not a bite. Not a single one! I do not see what is so terrible and unemployable with me; I am young, healthy, more than willing to work nearly any job, no restrictions on hours, no time limit, no leave planned, no holidays to book, no debt, and VERY eager, and yet the pattern of rejection keeps growing.

Is anyone else out there stuck in a pattern? If so, what is it? ANy clues as to how to break the pattern??

Back to writing my book to fill the spare hours for me, I suppose...Heck, at the rate I'm going with work, I may aim to publish a chapter a day on this blog if it goes on with the unemployment any longer...!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

To the mother from hell.

To my darling Mother.
I am not going to start in on the insults; you are not worth it. But please, I would like to know, why do you bother my ex on my birthday when you already know we have split up? Why waste your time and his calling him and being your usual sweet, gorgeous, crazy-as-all-fuck self attempting to get my phone number, a number you already have, and then becoming blatantly insulting when you fail to make him give you details you know none of my friends or relatives would give you?

Also, when I call you back in an attempt to get you off his back, why do you act like you dont care? We both know thats untrue. If it was true, you wouldnt have wasted your morning trying to get in touch with me via him. Another thing Mother dear; do not play stupid with me. It does not work. I am not going to give you any more information than the bare basics of vague quality, no matter how hard you puch or how much you ask sweetly in that 'but-I-really-am-worried' way. I don't care if you actually ARE worried my dear mother, for all I care of your worrying, you can go to hell. No return ticket provided.

Another thing. Do not ask me questions to which you already know the answer, just because you want the smug satisfaction of hearing it from my lips. Yes, we have split for good. Your opinion on this however, is invalid. You try giving me one? I'll shive it so far up your behind you wont be able to sit for a week. ANd if you TRY insulting me with offers of a stable home environment and financial security now that I have ended that relationship EVER again, we'll have to have close and personal words, don't you agree?

And by the by; where I am currently living, how I am living, and with WHOM I am living? NONE of your business. Just because you are interested in my life, doesnt mean I asm going to give you those details. My boyfriend does not need to put up with the shit that having you around causes. None of us need to put up with the shit you generate, period. And why would I tell you where I live anyhow? So you can come and break into my house and bitch at me all over again? So you can corner my boyfriend and rant at him, a new face, about what you think of people kidnapping your daughter, when all it really was was you driving me out? Fuck. Off.

Another class point. When you decide we need to sit down and talk things out, tell me. We need to do it, and we both know it, but your complete mental imbalance of self destruction obviously disagrees with this idea, otherwise you wouldnt reply to me saying 'and about that, when do you want to discuss all our issues?' with the CLASSIC line of 'What issues?'.

So. That's all for now. I think we can clear it up with simply putting it as 'stay the fuck out of my life and never try that shit again, bitch.' I hope I get invited to your wake, it'll be fun.

Yours truly,

Job vs Life

This week has been very interesting for me, and I feel I have managed to use it to learn a lot about myself, and my life. As I have mentioned before, I am one of those people who sees a new day as a new opportunity to learn something. And this week, I have more than met my mark on that.

It all started out late last week with my boss at my very new job gathering the office together and telling us that we were being made redundant at the end of September as the company was closing my office; but that's ok, we'll pay for you to move to the Melbourne office to continue working for us! That day I had a major amount of thinking to do, as you can imagine; my resume looks pretty bad, with a couple of long gaps on it, and not only do I WANT a long term permanent job, but I need it. So I had to consider if the job was worth enough to me to think seriously about uprooting my life and moving away from everyone I knew and all my family to the complete unknown. I ended up deciding it was not worth it.

Firstly, I don't think I am cut out for debt collection. It is interesting work, certainly, but I don't think in the long term I can live with myself as a Debt collector. I care way too much about people, and lack the ability to just stop caring and start applying the proverbial thumb screws. Secondly, all the people in my life are right here. My boyfriend, my family, no matter how shitty some of them are, and my friends, who are all amazing, wonderful and my entire support network. I can't just up and leave the amazing people I know here on the off chance I will still have that job in three months time, when my probation is up. Also, if I were to go, there is no chance my boyfriend could come with me, and I wouldn't want to go without him; I only have 7 and a half months left until he goes over seas for nearly a year as it is! He's studying here, he's near the end of his course; its impossibly stupid to consider uprooting him to another state right now.

And I have as cat to consider in all this as well; its all well and good her ebing looked after by my ex for the moment, but I dearly want to have her back at some point soon. I miss her gorgeous personality, and I miss the pillow she insists on becoming for me when she's cold. I miss all of her weird quirks, and all of her sweet charms. I cannot imagine moving to another state and knowing I couldn't take her across with me. It's not that I wouldn't trust my ex to look after her, it's that I do not ever want to consider having to give her up for good. I don't think I could do that.

And on top of all this, my boss and I were constantly having issues with disagreement's. To make it short, I was doing a very good job considering I had had almost no training in the job, and I was constantly m,ade to feel that I was under acheiving, and inadequate for the job, and as a result I was constantly stressing out to a huge degree as I tried my hardest to do better than my best, and improve that every day, and still come in under the mark. And then I got sick, and took a couple of days off to recover. My boss acted as if I had actually just taken the time off because I couldn't be assed coming in to work now that it was closing down, which made me fume, to say the least, as I was being proffessional in my approach to the work I was doing, and dedicating myself to it, not stinting. It was by this point that I realised that I could not continue working there, and I would be unable to make it far enough to get my redundancy pay out. I could not help but constantly feel that he was waiting for a reason to fire me.

SO, this morning I quit. I did it politely and as nicely as I could, and I scored a good reference from him. I was absolutely terrified of doing it, as I knew another short term thing on my resume would make it that much harder to get work, but I knew that I could not continue working for him, or in the industry, and I made the decission to leave and spend the time looking for something I wanted to do, rather than stay, go into a very similar job elsewhere when I was done, and hate every second. Proffessionally, I may have made my life a lot harder for a while, but personally, I made a wise decission for myself and the people I was working for and with.

So I guess from that I learned what I don't want to do in the way of work, and how far I am willing to go putting up with shit from someone before I spit the dummy. I think I passed the shit test with flying colours; three weeks of being wonderfully polite and maintaining a high standard in my job before stressing out enough to leave, and I still got paid my redundancy. And I realised quite quickly exactly how worth following a job is; I can find plenty of other jobs, in plenty of other areas if I try hard enough. But I can never find as loyal and loving a group of friends as I have here. And I could never find a partner as amazing as mine anywhere else; Melbourse, you are not worth the losses.