I know it has been a while since I posted, and I apologise to any regular readers. I also apologise that this post will be very self absorved, and full of self reflection, but sometimes one has to be selfish on one's own blog. The last couple of months have heralded a lot of shifts and changes in my life, and a large amount of thinking.
To begin, my marriage, which had been stumbling along through valleys and peaks for months, even years if I am to be honest, finally broke. Hopefully we will eventually be able to deal with it between us in a perfectly amicable way, but for the moment we are both dealing with it the best we can, which sometimes is very badly, and other times happens to be, at least for me, very well.
The time since that break has allowed me much time to think; about my life, my future, my present, my friends and family, my values. And I have come to some wonderful conclusions. Firstly, I realised, after much crying and soul searching, that this split really was the right thing for us both. I don’t think I realised before now how much the drive for a new baby was affecting us as a couple and me as a person. I had become nothing more than a desperate mother without a baby. We had become nothing more than two people who needed a child. And that path led us only to desperation, sadness and a gaping chasm growing between us by the day.
I realised that I had been missing the ability to just be me without being concerned about his opinion; the ability to take a girls night out, the ability to have a drink with some friends at the pub. I was even missing working, or having something to study, to advance in. I realised I wanted to become someone, that I had left myself behind and turned into nothing more than a floating person.
I realised that I highly value my friends. I re-established in my head the knowledge that no matter what, the GOOD friends will always be there for you, and they are really the only people who count in life. I realised that when things get really tough, they are the ones who will still be there.
I was able to establish a guide line in my head of what I want in my life. Firstly, I want to find a stable, equal loving relationship. One in which there are no ghosts hanging over our heads, bringing us eternally down, drowning me in sorrows. I eventually want a family, so at least that hasn’t changed. I want a stable relationship, stability in my life. I want to be able to spend more time with my friends, less time in games, and more time enjoying life. I want to find a job I enjoy, and settle into it. I want to study. Hopefully I will even eventually follow through with that goal. I want to finish that cussed novel that has sat in my drawer for the last half a decade, even if I never publish it.
Some of these goals, I am already working toward, or am achieving as I write. And I have realised that, for the first time in nearly three years, since the loss of our son James, I feel alive. I feel like I am awake, and able to move forward. I feel like I am finally able to allow James to rest in peace, leave him in my past where he belongs and move into life and a future without him. This realisation gives me a great deal of happiness as really it is long past time I left him in the past, let him rest. It also brings with it some sadness; mainly sadness at the idea that in order to finally be able to lay him to rest, I had to leave his father behind me and move into a new phase of my life.
However, despite the bad points, I have great hope that the coming years are full of bright spots for me. I already feel as if, over the coming years, I will make many more memories to treasure, have many more interesting times, and a lot of laughter. Life is full of surprises, and I am confident that I will have some good ones in the future. My main regret is that in moving forward I hurt a good man…I hope that he too has many good years in his future.
Because I Can.