My Study on Humanities Quest for Idiocy

Well, I've been having a ball recently. No, really! I have become fascinated with the lengths people unconsciously go to to in order to unknowingly become an idiot, and by fascinated I mean 'is watching avidly and has forgotten that the popcorn exists'.

I called the bank 4 weeks ago to get my card reissued with my married name on it; having worked in a similar industry I know that issuing a card like that is very easy indeed. So I breezed through the process, cheerily said goodbye to the young lady on the other end of the phone...and opened my mail the next week in bemused amazment. I had an awesome, shiny new card...with my old name. Take two, I called back, tried it all again, and the next week got the right name on the card (Check!) and...no pin number. Seriously people, where is my pin?! So...take three...they agreed to just dodgify some facts in the system and allow me to continue using my old pin as neither the call centre or I trust that another mail out is going to get it right :P

And my fence! THAT is an ongoing saga and a half, let me tell you! :P It's been broken for coming up three months now, and the fencing company is regaling me with a series of awesomely funny excuses as to why they cannot fix it yet; I say funny as some of them are os bad they directly contradict their earlier statments. Firstly they 'would get to it next week, we have what we need to fix it, but we have a lot of other jobs to do'. Fine, I can deal with that. Then they tried to tell the strata company they had already fixed it; how stupid do they think I am?! And now they tell me 'we can't get the materials to fix it right now due to the cyclone in Queensland, we'll try to fix it bt the end of the month'. HOW stupid do they believe me to be? I'm not sure, but they've got the strata company, hook line and sinker. What I want to know is how the materials they had two months ago to fix my fence ended up in Queensland?

Here's the prize of the day; a tale from the recent travels of my husband and I. And it totally beats the previous ones, infact, it's my unquestioned favourite. The man and I decided to take a train from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, to Singapore...Singapore. Don't do it, it's disgusting. Anyhow, after an appaling 7 hours travel, only 4 of which the train had spent actually moving at all, we arrive at the check point just inside the Singaporean boarder. Hop off the train, passports at the ready, and we're all faced with BIG signs that looked like this:


There was a lot of writing underneath in not english, but basically it meant 'we're serious, don't p*ss us off, kk?' My husband and I respected that sign, and we obeyed. Just after that we were waiting in line to have our passports checked and two things happened. One, we saw another sign that looked like this:

but with a list of things under it that went like this: We can and will confiscate and delete any pictures you take. We can and will arrest you, charge you, fine you. We may shoot you.

This being Singapore, we believed them. LOTS. Secondly, we started chatting to an american dude in the line with us, recently from Thailand. Finally, we got to the front, passed through uneventfully, and lined up to get back on the train...and waited to be allowed. And waited. FINALLY 45 minutes later here comes the american dude. Hi, what kept you? we asked. Oh, I took a picture, and they got all upset, and started yelling, and took me into a room and made me give them my camera, and they deleted the photo, I'm really not happy about it hey! We looked at him for a few seconds. Did you see the signs saying 'dont take photos' at all? we asked. Sure enough... Yeah, thats what I was taking a photo of!
And if thats not bad enough: Didn't you see the other signs that basically said 'don't annoy us, we will shoot you?
OH WOW, where are they?! They would make AWESOME photo's to show the dudes back home!!

So there we have it; my study on humanities attempt, albeit unconsciously, to become completely bafflingly idiotic. It has been awesome fun!

Well...its currently nearly half past 8 in the morning, and I am in the bath with the tap dripping on my knee as apparently it doesn't know how to NOT. I feel amazingly frazzled. You left on a work trip yesterday morning, and things haven't been right since. I miss you terribly, and my week is looking bleak without you. Not ony isit looking bleak, it is looking empty, bar sleepless nights, as apparently I once again have insomnia. You leaving me alone should be banned for the sake of my mental health!

And because of this, I have made a decission. I know I cannot fly over to be with you right now, though god help me, I really really would totally want to do that, so instead,next time you have to go on on of these trips, ima come too! I know that means finding someone to sit the animals and look after the house. I know thats a possibly expensive thing. But I don't care. I miss you. I would do anything to be with you right now. I watched the sun come up this morning at 5am, I had a shower at 4.

By the end of this week I will have drunk enough coffee to be immune to it.

So I think we need to take the 'have and to hold' thing majorly serious, an have and hold each other everywhere we have to go. I'll come too next time. And we'll both continue sleeping, which is something I am currently wishing for like mad. And we'll spend every moment we can cuddling. I'll see you on Saturday, and that day cannot come soon enough, love.

Because I Can

Pre Travel Worries...Pt 1

Outside in my yard there is a dog, chewing away on a rubber squeaky toy with an expression of perpetual bliss on her face. Inside my head there is a little person begging shutupshutupI'mtryingtothink..... But I know by now that won't happen; thinking simply is not as important as her being able to play with that toy. It doesnt help that behind my back two cats are exchanging a glance that says quite clearly and smugly we told her so. It really helps me to know that in two dys time I'm leaving all these insane critters behind me for 8 days and going to a place where I can go to the markets at night and buy lots of cheap alcohol! And by 4am on Saturday when I have to get out the door to a plane, I'll really be looking foward to that...

There are so many thing I didn't think I would ever have to contemplate about travelling, and the irony is that none of them have anything to do with being out of the country. I'm terrified of leaving my house keys with other people for 8 days. Not because I don't know these people; they're our best friends. No, it's mainly because I keep thinking terribly thoughts such as should I hide the 'toys' in case they happen to open that drawer by the bed and get a look into our lives they NEVER wanted?? or My cat is refusing to come out of the closet (literally and figuratively!), who will give her milky milo to coax her out?! I know these thoughts are crazy. Almost as crazy as feeding my cat, who vet's tell me should not be able to taste sweet, milo.

Milo for my cat is not quite as insane as realising that my dog has busted the qsqueaker in her favourite toy and having the thought I should go get her a new one or ALL my animals will be sulking!
And...my cat just sneezed. All over my almost packed baggage.
Lovely.

Because I Can

Topsy Turvy Houseland!

My household has been making a few adjustments recently, and so everyone, that being my hubby, 2 cats and myself, has been at least a little on edge. It has really been a humungous learning curve. Sadly...we are not finished yet! :P

To my dear cats: I would absolutely love it if you would learn the new location of the litter tray. It has been there for THREE GODAMNED WEEKS now. Surely that is long enough to stop shitting beside my washing machine and peeing in my basket of clean but nmot yet hung washing? Also, how is it that whenever I have the laundry door closed you never miss the tray. Freaks :P

Now, I'll admit, the lives of my cats have been hell recently. I recently took on an awesome dog. A BIG dog. A friendly dog. A ridgeback x mastiff, to be precise, who at 9 years old is a senior citizen and an old family friend. As you could believe, my cats are not too fond of this; their first reaction was total disbelief - You're kidding, that is TOTALLY not staying in my house Mum- followed instantly with an attempt to look like a capital A, loosing half a kilo of fur between them, demonstrating their ability to spit like champions and then a complete lack of cat throughout most of my house. One of them is still sitting in the cupboard in my room in the deepest darkest part she can find and ordering room service daily.

I suppose it really isn't helping her nerves that my husband's homebrew beer recently decided that it loved the idea of exploding, showering my computer room in beer and glass shards, and setting the dog off into excited barking, rapidly followed by terrified hissing from the cats who were certain that any noise from the dog meant she was hungry, specifically for cat. I sat on my laundry floor unable to breathe through laughter while thinking "No one is crazier than me..."

And on Friday night the man and I fly to Kuala Lumpur. For a week. And leave our best friends with our loving dog, our terrified closet cat and the other terrified manly cat. Who thinks that attacking the dog is way better than trying to just ignore her. I am totally leaving my phone at home and enjoying a week where I can pretend that these animals are ABSOLUTELY not my fault, problem or concern.

What I have learned so far: A cat who thinks that strange looking animla outside the window may be hostile can put their paw through a flyscreen in abnout .2 of a second flat with no effort, and you only hear the hissing afterward.
When they hear cars hissing, dogs start barking in a cheerful, and totally unhelpful, manner. This results in a new hat consisting of 1 Angry Cat for me.
Do not even bother vaccuming for at least a week after introducing a new dog to your cats. Those cats hate you so much they will actively shed on everything they can, and by shed I mean they were saving it all for this occasion.
Sitting on the floor and laughing slightly hysterically will freak your cats out more. It will also cause the man to come running in asking in increasingly worried tones whats wrong, while all you can do is gasp in the occasional breathe and cackle senslessly through the tears.
Ah, the educational wonders...

Because I can

Life is like Bingo

There are few things I really hate in life. But sadly, I think most of them have been triggered this week, and for me I think that's a new reccord. It's like playing Bingo, but with pet hates, and I won, which NEVER happens with real Bingo because I DO NOT PLAY IT.

Number one on my list has always been People Who are Amazingly Incompetent At Their Jobs, also known as bundles of complete fail. That girl at the bank who issued me a new card in my OLD name after changing my details so thast my new card SHOULD have been in my new name? Fail. And that fact that it took her 45 minutes to complete this incredible act? Priceless.

OH, and this goes out to Mark at Fivestar Fencing. For starters mate, five star implies that not only do you know what you're doing, but you can do it well. I think you not only need to change the Business name, but the Business. Stat. Because I think it's REALLY unprofessional to come round and look at my fence to give me a quote for fixing it, only to say that while it is indeed broken, you can't fix it...and not give a suitable reason. It is even more unprofessional to then call my husband a week later and say 'I'll come fix it tomorrow before lunch time.' and then never show up. At all. I hope you enjoy the lovely voice mail I left you, and also the one my strata manager left you that effectively ensures that you don't come back here again. Because you have a habit of stuffing up.

Another thing I hate; idiot neighbours annoying the hell out of the whole strata block. You know dude, that's not a wise move, especially since you're only renting and the rest of us now angry hornets are owners. First rule for renters who dont want to piss off the other people around them; On a recycle week, do NOT put your RUBBISH in our RECYCLE bins. If you do, our bins wont get emptied, and they also get big stickers on them saying why. And then YOU get a whole horde of angry and upset owners on your doorstep asking if you know WTF a rubbish bin or tip is and could you KINDLY use it or we will be pleased to enforce our request? ><

See? Like I said, not many things that push my angry at everyone buttons. And they don't usually get pushed, so this week has been entertaining...for me. For the people I dealt with, it has been less than pleasant, but you know what? If you didn't TRY to piss me off, I wouldnt rub your face in your incompetence.

Because I Can

Wake up, Society of Shallow People!

I was reading a very interesting article today, about cheating, and relationships, genetics and excuses. And in the comment section, I came accross a gem of close minded idiocy from one of the more shallow readers.
"Fiona says: 12:01pm | 07/12/10
And we insecure hetero’s call it the reason why the gay world has contributed so much to the spread of AIDS ....
Just because you choose to open up your arse to anyone doesn’t make us ‘insecure’ because we believe in making a committment to another person of the opposite sex .... you may need to look the word up in the dictionary ..."

Now, I realise that other commenters also had a say at her about her ideas, and about her completely mind blowing bitchiness closed mindedness, but I figured that personally, I needed to have a go too. Because she is sadly not the only one with such views, and the outlook seems to be spreading in my circle. Or maybe Perth is just a pit of closed minds...? Naaaaaah.

Firstly, the rate of AIDS spread is roughly even; almost the same amount of straight people have it as gay people. So this would suggest, lo and behold, that straight people are spreading it too! Can you get your head around that?! Secondly, Fiona, you make me laugh; you worry about the spread of aids even as you say the gay world is spreading it. Honey, if the gay world is the only community spreading it, why the HELL are you worried? Or don't you understand what being gay means? Basically that they REALLY DON'T WANT YOU. Twerp.

Secondly, I know a lot of gay people. Many of my best friends are gay. And do you want to know something interesting Fiona? Of all my gay friends, male and female, I can't think of a one who wants to sleep around. Most of them want a happy long term relationship. Some of them have that, and are just as happy and dedicated to each other as the best of the heterosexual relationships I know of. I know 10 times the amount of straight people who want nothing to do with a solid relationship, and only want to f**k their way around the city. I know several people who go in for monthly STD checks. The one thing they all have in common? They are all straight.

So, time to rething Fiona. You need to catch up with the times. Gay people are not the bane of your life, in fact, you probably don't know any at all, and if you did, they wouldn't tell you with a life outlook like that. It's nasty people like you who cause most of the prejudice effecting gay people, and it's not fair considering they have never done anything to you. They would probably help you if you needed it too. I hope they don't though.

Amazing Hilarity!

Good afternoon all of you crazy people! Of course, if you are reading this you are certainly crazy, and so do not even consider disputing that fact, thank you. ^^

Now, as I may have previously stated somewhere in my raging ranting post history, I am not exactly what one may call a religious personality. In facvt, I am often so anti religious that my very prescence causes some of the more religious people in my world to run away lest they attempt to preach their religion near me in a moment of insanity. I love it when they do that; it gives me the chance to have a philisophical debate with them, and oddly enough, not many religious people like that as they seem to be amazingly uncreative. (ie; me: all the evidence you have is in a book, that reads like a history book aimed at children. It doesn't proove the existence of a god, it prooves that people once thought a lot simpler and needed to make explainations up for the scary things in their lives they could not otherwise explain. religious person: But...its inb the book! It has to be true!)

But, despite this, I do not actually have a problem with religion, so long as you keep it to yourself; just like opinions ^^ And only a minute ago I was reading my FAVOURITE blog, Rants From Mummy Land, and found THIS:


I am still, still, gasping for my next breath between GALES of laughter. And not only was this a hilarious video, it was also awesome, fantastic, not religiously pushy, and actually informative. FANTASTIC!