Perfect Stalker Deterant!

I recently decided to try surfing through Facebook until I could find a game that my male Facebook stalker would hopefully not stoop to playing. Not necessarily a game that I myself would enjoy, simply a game that I could tell my partner "I have been playing this for three weeks and he still hasn't started playing it! I believe that I found said game in Perfect Wedding. Not that it is a game I wou;ld be able to play for three weeks, let alone a week, but it is certainly one I do not believe my stalking friend will ever stoop to playing.

I am on the loading screen, and already this is quite sickening. The loading screen is in varying shades of horrific pink, and the loading bar is a giant diamond ring. Im going to call this social research. And then the music struck in. Dear god. It makes me think of candy floss and perfect things, and sickeningly cute children in cherubic outfits. It makes me want to throw up, run away, AND commit mass destruction just to get it to stop. Definitely aimed at the highschool cheerleader type.

The game has barely loaded and the first thing I see is a fire breathing bride screaming at her cowering husband in the middle of the reception hall. Now that is more like what I would expect from the cheerleader type...but surely far from perfect? The instructios order that I pick up the guests, place them at the table, take their gifts and then feed them. For every action they give me a giant diamond ring. Loaded guests, but the heavy hint that I should do the marriage thing gets on my nerves.

All the while, the sickening sweet music continues in a high, off key tone. On repeat. Kill me now.

To my horror I realise I am not alone in playing this abomination. Some of my friends have been playing a while, with quite a few levels under their belts.I know for a certainty that I will be blocking this game very shortly after just a little more research into its appalling nature.

So far, apart from the constrant repeat of sickening music driving me slowly over the brink into insanity, the amount of bugs this game possesses is highly annoying me - or maybe thats just the music destroying me. The game freezes randomly, requires reloading frequently, and has graphic bugs such as food becoming stuck to the waiter's arm; hilarious to watch, but annoying to have to work with considering the waiter doesnt realise the food is there, and the guests get pissed off and annoyed. The only good part of this entire scenario os the response of the bride. Seeing her guests being refused service by their waiter she promptly gets upset and starts screaming at her poor abused husband, breathing fire all the while as the poor man cowers beneath her wroth and probably wonders what the hell he just got himself into. Honestly, the woman needs a slap.

And, when you are finally done with that disasterous wedding and hellion of a bride, you get no rest. Instead, you go home, have a cold shower, change into some currently unglared upon clothing and answer some new bridezilla's request that you organise HER wedding. OH LOOK! They even added the personal touch of letting you choose the new bride to be from your female friends. Then, you get to dress her as the bride of your choice; so I guess that means, pick your least favourite and set to work with the shears...just to make your time playing a tiny bit more appealing to your wickedly over done sense of humour.

Personally, I think I achieved my goal with this game. I found a game that no male worth his man card would ever willingly stalk me into. However, in doing so, I think I went that tiny bit too far, as *I* do not want to play it, and currently want to scrub myself clean. So...brb after three hours of scrubbing the greasy horrible feel of the game from my skin!

Because I Can

Needing help.

What do you do when you realise that all you seem to do to people is fuck them up?
What do you do when you realise that you need so much help its not funny?
What do you do when you realise you have made so, so many gigantic mistakes and hurt so many wonderful people?
What do you do when you realise that you can't turn to anyone for help? When the people you do turn to turn you down?

Patterns of Weirdness

Have you ever noticed how sometimes in life, little weird things keep repeating? How no matter what, you find you get caught in an absurd cycle? Recently, I have found this to be the story of my life.

It started about three weeks ago, when I got chicken take out. I LOVE the stuffing they make for those things, and always look foward ot it, but this time...there was no stuffing. I was devistated. My night took a turn for the worse...and then I realised my boyfriend had DOUBLE the normal amount of stuffing in his chicken meal! He kindly gave me some of his (I SWEAR I didnt tantrum until he shared!) and I thought nothing more of the event. Until the next time...and the next! I have had this exact event of lack of stuffing and boyfriend overloaded with it happen four times! It does not help changing venues either; it happens no matter which chicken place we visit. ><

And oh how often recently have I been the proud owner of the 'last item of that type in stock'! This one, I am loving. Today for instance, I managed ot get my hands on an adorable white Teddybear candle with roses carved all over him; last one in the entire shop! ^^ I also managed to get my grubby little paws on the very last wolf print shirt for a friend, and the last handbag of a certain type when I was looking for a new one of specific requirements. So I guess sometimes these cycles aren't that bad after all ^^

Sadly I am also still stuck in the pattern that is being unwanted in the work place. I have thrown my resume with cover note that shouts loudly 'PLEASE employ me, I will love you and stay with you forever!!' to the four winds (also thrown it without the cover note) and, as yet, not a bite. Not a single one! I do not see what is so terrible and unemployable with me; I am young, healthy, more than willing to work nearly any job, no restrictions on hours, no time limit, no leave planned, no holidays to book, no debt, and VERY eager, and yet the pattern of rejection keeps growing.

Is anyone else out there stuck in a pattern? If so, what is it? ANy clues as to how to break the pattern??

Back to writing my book to fill the spare hours for me, I suppose...Heck, at the rate I'm going with work, I may aim to publish a chapter a day on this blog if it goes on with the unemployment any longer...!

To the mother from hell.

To my darling Mother.
I am not going to start in on the insults; you are not worth it. But please, I would like to know, why do you bother my ex on my birthday when you already know we have split up? Why waste your time and his calling him and being your usual sweet, gorgeous, crazy-as-all-fuck self attempting to get my phone number, a number you already have, and then becoming blatantly insulting when you fail to make him give you details you know none of my friends or relatives would give you?

Also, when I call you back in an attempt to get you off his back, why do you act like you dont care? We both know thats untrue. If it was true, you wouldnt have wasted your morning trying to get in touch with me via him. Another thing Mother dear; do not play stupid with me. It does not work. I am not going to give you any more information than the bare basics of vague quality, no matter how hard you puch or how much you ask sweetly in that 'but-I-really-am-worried' way. I don't care if you actually ARE worried my dear mother, for all I care of your worrying, you can go to hell. No return ticket provided.

Another thing. Do not ask me questions to which you already know the answer, just because you want the smug satisfaction of hearing it from my lips. Yes, we have split for good. Your opinion on this however, is invalid. You try giving me one? I'll shive it so far up your behind you wont be able to sit for a week. ANd if you TRY insulting me with offers of a stable home environment and financial security now that I have ended that relationship EVER again, we'll have to have close and personal words, don't you agree?

And by the by; where I am currently living, how I am living, and with WHOM I am living? NONE of your business. Just because you are interested in my life, doesnt mean I asm going to give you those details. My boyfriend does not need to put up with the shit that having you around causes. None of us need to put up with the shit you generate, period. And why would I tell you where I live anyhow? So you can come and break into my house and bitch at me all over again? So you can corner my boyfriend and rant at him, a new face, about what you think of people kidnapping your daughter, when all it really was was you driving me out? Fuck. Off.

Another class point. When you decide we need to sit down and talk things out, tell me. We need to do it, and we both know it, but your complete mental imbalance of self destruction obviously disagrees with this idea, otherwise you wouldnt reply to me saying 'and about that, when do you want to discuss all our issues?' with the CLASSIC line of 'What issues?'.

So. That's all for now. I think we can clear it up with simply putting it as 'stay the fuck out of my life and never try that shit again, bitch.' I hope I get invited to your wake, it'll be fun.

Yours truly,
Me.

Job vs Life

This week has been very interesting for me, and I feel I have managed to use it to learn a lot about myself, and my life. As I have mentioned before, I am one of those people who sees a new day as a new opportunity to learn something. And this week, I have more than met my mark on that.

It all started out late last week with my boss at my very new job gathering the office together and telling us that we were being made redundant at the end of September as the company was closing my office; but that's ok, we'll pay for you to move to the Melbourne office to continue working for us! That day I had a major amount of thinking to do, as you can imagine; my resume looks pretty bad, with a couple of long gaps on it, and not only do I WANT a long term permanent job, but I need it. So I had to consider if the job was worth enough to me to think seriously about uprooting my life and moving away from everyone I knew and all my family to the complete unknown. I ended up deciding it was not worth it.

Firstly, I don't think I am cut out for debt collection. It is interesting work, certainly, but I don't think in the long term I can live with myself as a Debt collector. I care way too much about people, and lack the ability to just stop caring and start applying the proverbial thumb screws. Secondly, all the people in my life are right here. My boyfriend, my family, no matter how shitty some of them are, and my friends, who are all amazing, wonderful and my entire support network. I can't just up and leave the amazing people I know here on the off chance I will still have that job in three months time, when my probation is up. Also, if I were to go, there is no chance my boyfriend could come with me, and I wouldn't want to go without him; I only have 7 and a half months left until he goes over seas for nearly a year as it is! He's studying here, he's near the end of his course; its impossibly stupid to consider uprooting him to another state right now.

And I have as cat to consider in all this as well; its all well and good her ebing looked after by my ex for the moment, but I dearly want to have her back at some point soon. I miss her gorgeous personality, and I miss the pillow she insists on becoming for me when she's cold. I miss all of her weird quirks, and all of her sweet charms. I cannot imagine moving to another state and knowing I couldn't take her across with me. It's not that I wouldn't trust my ex to look after her, it's that I do not ever want to consider having to give her up for good. I don't think I could do that.

And on top of all this, my boss and I were constantly having issues with disagreement's. To make it short, I was doing a very good job considering I had had almost no training in the job, and I was constantly m,ade to feel that I was under acheiving, and inadequate for the job, and as a result I was constantly stressing out to a huge degree as I tried my hardest to do better than my best, and improve that every day, and still come in under the mark. And then I got sick, and took a couple of days off to recover. My boss acted as if I had actually just taken the time off because I couldn't be assed coming in to work now that it was closing down, which made me fume, to say the least, as I was being proffessional in my approach to the work I was doing, and dedicating myself to it, not stinting. It was by this point that I realised that I could not continue working there, and I would be unable to make it far enough to get my redundancy pay out. I could not help but constantly feel that he was waiting for a reason to fire me.

SO, this morning I quit. I did it politely and as nicely as I could, and I scored a good reference from him. I was absolutely terrified of doing it, as I knew another short term thing on my resume would make it that much harder to get work, but I knew that I could not continue working for him, or in the industry, and I made the decission to leave and spend the time looking for something I wanted to do, rather than stay, go into a very similar job elsewhere when I was done, and hate every second. Proffessionally, I may have made my life a lot harder for a while, but personally, I made a wise decission for myself and the people I was working for and with.

So I guess from that I learned what I don't want to do in the way of work, and how far I am willing to go putting up with shit from someone before I spit the dummy. I think I passed the shit test with flying colours; three weeks of being wonderfully polite and maintaining a high standard in my job before stressing out enough to leave, and I still got paid my redundancy. And I realised quite quickly exactly how worth following a job is; I can find plenty of other jobs, in plenty of other areas if I try hard enough. But I can never find as loyal and loving a group of friends as I have here. And I could never find a partner as amazing as mine anywhere else; Melbourse, you are not worth the losses.

Torture in a Shopping Centre

Today, I learned a few things, and also stumbled across some awesome. The awesome that I stumbled across was that, after only a week of looking for work, I have gained employment! And so via that we lead on to the multitude of annoyingly horrid facts I learned today.

Firstly comes the horrifying realisation that, despite the awesome fact that one now has employment, one neads a work wardrobe and would happily shoot oneself before venturing into the shopping centre. During school holidays. While towing the long suffering but awesomely patient boyfriend. At least HE gets to sit around playing Suduko while I run around madly from rack to rack bemoaning the utter uselessness of all the CRAP they call 'work wear' in the lady's fashion section. Seriously ladies, when did a paper bag covered in a ton of badly placed over enthusiastic frill become fashionable? Or even wearable? I mean...where the heck are the sleeves?!

And then, you run into a problem. Children. Or more specifically, that enemy age group better known as...Teenagers. Horrible, smirking, smelly little shits who sit in the middle of the isle, somehow taking up ALL the room so the only thing you can do is really, squeeze around them or make a point of stopping and asking them to move. By the end of the day (4 hours of grueling annoying shopping for clothing; whoever said women love it should be shot) I was no longer willing to put up with their self centred ways. Breezing through Woolworths I made the boyfriend crack up when, instead of slowing and asking this final teen to move, I simply breezed on toward him, got to the 50cm point and bellowed "MOVE!" without slowing down. He jumped about half a foot, and I swear I have NEVER seen a teenager move so godamned fast in my life.

Also, what the F is with the latest craze in shoes? Don't get me wrong; I have a liking for good shoes just like the next woman. For example, I currently have 4 pairs; thats heaps right? Anyhow, I was looking for a set of shoes; medium heel, black, leather preferable but not necessary, open toed but partially closed; your average receptionist heels really. And you know what? I couldn't find any. I found PLENTY with hooker heel heights. I found plenty of horrifyingly bad ballet flats...but not a flamming THING in normal, medium heeled open toe shoes.

Seriously people, fashion pisses me off on the best of days, which today should have been due to my new job and the most patiently awesome boyfriend following me round with infinite patience in my erratic rambling way of shopping, but WOW I hate clothing shopping. MAJORLY.

Give me a good sammies and 5 minutes tops any day.

Because I Can

How Life Changes...

I know it has been a while since I posted, and I apologise to any regular readers. I also apologise that this post will be very self absorved, and full of self reflection, but sometimes one has to be selfish on one's own blog. The last couple of months have heralded a lot of shifts and changes in my life, and a large amount of thinking.

To begin, my marriage, which had been stumbling along through valleys and peaks for months, even years if I am to be honest, finally broke. Hopefully we will eventually be able to deal with it between us in a perfectly amicable way, but for the moment we are both dealing with it the best we can, which sometimes is very badly, and other times happens to be, at least for me, very well.

The time since that break has allowed me much time to think; about my life, my future, my present, my friends and family, my values. And I have come to some wonderful conclusions. Firstly, I realised, after much crying and soul searching, that this split really was the right thing for us both. I don’t think I realised before now how much the drive for a new baby was affecting us as a couple and me as a person. I had become nothing more than a desperate mother without a baby. We had become nothing more than two people who needed a child. And that path led us only to desperation, sadness and a gaping chasm growing between us by the day.

I realised that I had been missing the ability to just be me without being concerned about his opinion; the ability to take a girls night out, the ability to have a drink with some friends at the pub. I was even missing working, or having something to study, to advance in. I realised I wanted to become someone, that I had left myself behind and turned into nothing more than a floating person.

I realised that I highly value my friends. I re-established in my head the knowledge that no matter what, the GOOD friends will always be there for you, and they are really the only people who count in life. I realised that when things get really tough, they are the ones who will still be there.

I was able to establish a guide line in my head of what I want in my life. Firstly, I want to find a stable, equal loving relationship. One in which there are no ghosts hanging over our heads, bringing us eternally down, drowning me in sorrows. I eventually want a family, so at least that hasn’t changed. I want a stable relationship, stability in my life. I want to be able to spend more time with my friends, less time in games, and more time enjoying life. I want to find a job I enjoy, and settle into it. I want to study. Hopefully I will even eventually follow through with that goal. I want to finish that cussed novel that has sat in my drawer for the last half a decade, even if I never publish it.

Some of these goals, I am already working toward, or am achieving as I write. And I have realised that, for the first time in nearly three years, since the loss of our son James, I feel alive. I feel like I am awake, and able to move forward. I feel like I am finally able to allow James to rest in peace, leave him in my past where he belongs and move into life and a future without him. This realisation gives me a great deal of happiness as really it is long past time I left him in the past, let him rest. It also brings with it some sadness; mainly sadness at the idea that in order to finally be able to lay him to rest, I had to leave his father behind me and move into a new phase of my life.

However, despite the bad points, I have great hope that the coming years are full of bright spots for me. I already feel as if, over the coming years, I will make many more memories to treasure, have many more interesting times, and a lot of laughter. Life is full of surprises, and I am confident that I will have some good ones in the future. My main regret is that in moving forward I hurt a good man…I hope that he too has many good years in his future.

Because I Can.